I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize