I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize