I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
