Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
