I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
