Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
