I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
