I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
