is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
