Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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