I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
