I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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