Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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