Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize