I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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