ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
