I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize