forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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