We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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