I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize