I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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