I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
