im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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