More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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