He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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