are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize