News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
