Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
