i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
