So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
