SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
