at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
