Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
