'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
