Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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