wrigley field is MILF paradise
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
