we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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