i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
