Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
