I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
