I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
