In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
