glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
