we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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