please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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