But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I am in a vortex of obligation.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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