If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
