My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize