The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
