You just made me feel so damn special
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My hand turned me down
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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