My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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