my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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