ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
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