tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
