i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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