Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
What a dumb baby whore.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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