wrigley field is MILF paradise
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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