Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
