This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
