party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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