I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
