So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
