everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
