So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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