I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We had sex on a dog bed..
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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