i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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