I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
