absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
