I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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